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INFP7



Joined: 02 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
The Depth Thread  Reply with quote  

Going out on a limb here because quite frankly I have nowhere else to go and need to get it out thereÖ

I was in a relationship with narcissist- five days ago he broke up with me. As my world ended it also just began five days ago.

The thing about narcissists is they use your love against you as they have no capacity to form any type of emotional bond with another individual. I put seemingly everything I had into this relationship. I sacrificed friends, time, my health, family, etc. It was truly an unhealthy relationship, toxic. The kicker is that he is friends with two of my brothers (one he works with), and a customer of my motherís. I have a very small circle of friends and so not having my family to be supportive is the killer. It truly sucks. There is no one whom I can talk to and it really tests my sanity. I feel betrayed even though I do not blame my family. I almost feel guilty that he doesnít have his own to turn to but then I feel anger because they are ďmineĒ. In reality, they donít belong to me and I can only make one sound decision and just distance myself.

I am amazed at the strength that I have displayed in this sudden loss. I know itís for the best, this empowers me somewhat but it still is heart wrenching. I have to keep my distance from my family and that makes it difficult. I have always been dismissive over others heartaches, like they should be happy they are free from such obvious misery, but even with that freedom knowing itís going to get better there inside still lies that grief thick like a blanket, suffocating and wet.

Iíve had breakups before. No big deal. But this one is the worst. It is the psychological aspect of someone got the best of me. I said forever, I didnít want to be a liar of love. I went over and beyond for that commitment that I swore I never would make and in return I find myself with a narcissist. My biggest fear is him contacting me. What do I do? Will I be strong enough to stay away from his cruelness? How do you stay away from someone who only wants to use your love against you? It just seems so unbelievable that a person would be so intentionally cruel to another.

I lost myself in this damn relationship. I think that is what irks me the most. It goes to show that no matter how strong a person is that little by little they can be torn down by the influence of another. On one hand I want to believe that I will never ever put myself out there but on the other hand I think that maybe there is someone out there who wants my love. Imagine, like a real relationship. I subjected myself to a crap relationship for nothing. Thankfully I can report that I think I have surpassed the depression stage and into the anger. I want to get over this as soon as possible. Apparently you canít rush grief.

The only good thing about this is it makes great material for writing.

Any suggestions on how to get over this? To get through this? How to make friends? How to retrain yourself in a life schedule? How to find peace? GrrrÖ. Advice? Suggestions? Witty comments? I have to believe that the world isnít so lonely for me. If anything, thanks for just the vent :)

*depth*
Post Mon Sep 02, 2013 8:49 pm
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DeadAwake



Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 562
Location: Aus.
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There are two sides of a coin. However, i'll take your word you have received the tarnished face.

The first thing, is to reflect upon the whole experience. Try to gather what wrong decisions were made, these may give you something to inject awareness into in the future where there are blind spots. It is hard to draw any concrete details from your post, for example: Why did you sacrifice all those things for him? You can keep this answer for yourself, but self-query: Did you need to? Why did you do it?

Your family is tied in with this man? You shouldn't feel obligated on behalf of family to maintain correspondence with someone who is poison for you. He is mothers customer? That is between them.

Know you are not worthy of feeling sorrow over the loss of some fool. What good is a narcissist? He can look at himself in the mirror and believe the world revolves around him. Have pity on him, sooner or later his illusion
will be shattered. But remember, he was a scoundrel, you were prey for him. I don't know this, but if you do than it is enough.

You can either: Accept you are going to be taken advantage of in the future or murder what is in you that allows you to let others take advantage of you. Do you have a habit of not saying no? Stop saying yes impulsively. Alternatively (or preferably, additionally) attach conditions to favours people ask, reasonable ones. The latter can help form the former.

How to get over this? ... Do you sincerely believe he was a toxic person for you? If you knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt you would be thankful for this good riddance. Convince yourself.
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 1:25 am
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ROTTY



Joined: 28 Apr 2005
Posts: 1407
Location: London
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I would take up a social activity like up martial arts or go to a rock climbing centre. You meet new people, a good distraction, challenging and its physical and will release some much needed endorphins.

If this is not an option....Physical exercise at home and start saving money and travel. Get out of town/country for a while.
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 3:16 am
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T-Wrex
p00ny tang


Joined: 30 Jun 2002
Posts: 6381
Location: Detroit, Michigan
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Enjoy being single/alone for the time being.

It seems you've wasted a lot of energy trying to make him happy.

Do something that makes you happy.
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 4:16 am
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mzehe916



Joined: 04 Aug 2006
Posts: 4541
Location: Switzerland
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a/s/l/pics?
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 4:43 am
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Captiv8



Joined: 25 Aug 2006
Posts: 8501
Location: Third Coast
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Remember that all true narcissists are, to some degree, sociopaths, and thus highly manipulative. They also tend to create co-depencies with their partners, as well as the feeling of enmeshment, which you described as losing yourself in the relationship. These are functional things in the short term, but in the long they aren't the components of a healthy and balanced relationship. They preclude, for instance, depth of emotion, which is to say intimacy, and can even be devoid of genuine emotional connections, depending on the level of narcissism. So realize that you're in that cliched better place now. Take a step back, reassess your life and your goals, and find something independent of another person that you enjoy. I think it's critical for couples to pursue and maintain some activites that are exclusive of their partner, for this very reason. You don't want to feel like your identity is interwoven with someone else's. It's all about the boundaries, my friend.
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:19 am
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metacognition



Joined: 22 Feb 2006
Posts: 95
Location: A place called Earth.
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Welcome to the SFR Forum, INFP7!

Sorry to hear about your recent woes. As far as suggestions as to what to do now to move beyond your ordeal...well, I think you're doing some of that now. Venting helps. Not keeping emotions bottled up helps. And, as Captiv8 mentioned, setting boundaries helps. From my experience that is probably the most important thing you can do. Make sure you have clear boundaries and do your best to reinforce those boundaries and not let them fade. This advice is coming from someone who grew up with abusive, narcissistic parents, so I can relate to love being used against you as a form of fucked up manipulation and deception. I've also been in a relationship with someone who may not have been a full-blown narcissist, but was high on the narcissism spectrum, in my humble opinion. That relationship ended several years ago, but the emotions (pain, anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, to name a few) still linger. They're not as intense as they used to be, so there's a bit of an upside. Hopefully, life for you will get better with time. "This too shall pass."

I know it's still really early since your breakup and it's probably really difficult to do anything else but think about your past relationship, but try to distract yourself when you find your thoughts are being consumed by the narcissist. Don't give the narcissist any more power than they already had over you. Easier said than done, right? I agree. But, speaking from my own experience, dwelling on things will only give them more power and cause distortion. Do your best to move forward, as cliche as that sounds. From your post, it seems like you are already doing those things and wondering what you can do next...so keep it up!

BTW, I noticed your MBTI of INFP. I am an INTJ. Intuitive introverts unite! :)
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:49 am
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T-Wrex
p00ny tang


Joined: 30 Jun 2002
Posts: 6381
Location: Detroit, Michigan
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metacognition wrote:
BTW, I noticed your MBTI of INFP. I am an INTJ. Intuitive introverts unite! :)


I'm an INTP! :)

INFP7 wrote:
Any suggestions on how to ... make friends?


This is where I struggle.
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 1:39 pm
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INFP7



Joined: 02 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
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A few days ago I thought I wanted to get a dog. I figured if I wasnít going to get married, I might as well commit to a dog for 15 years. They have to love me and are loyal, right? Funny thing about this though is I donít like dogs. I am a cat person. And I donít think my cat would like a dog any much more than myself. I didnít get a dog. This makes me question any decision I potentially have to make in these trying times. Likewise, any brilliant idea to make a connection to the outside world, so thank you for your support on my depth thread. I am grateful that you all have taken the time to leave me feedback. I was petrified that upon my return there would be a big zero mocking me, thankfully not so. Much love

I enjoy being alone, I just hate feeling lonely or that I have no one to turn to. For the last few years, I have always had someone thus the break of that is devastating. Fortunately, I am determined to stay strong and to be strong. Even without a close support system. As stated he is friends with my brothers and they wonít listen to my heartache over him. It has already proven to be an issue in the past and so this time I decided to distance myself. I donít see any other option. I do feel like he stole my family. Why does he get to keep them while I have to stay away? Whatever. Hopefully he gets a new girlfriend soon and can steal hers because I would like mine back. Although, pity for that girl.

I am more angry lately then depressed. I wished I wasnít so angry at myself though for being a part of it. Like I should have known better, I should have let the other 77 breakups be the last. Not taking a nap, not saying goodnight, being 18 minutes lateÖIf I went into details no one would believe it and I wouldnít blame them because it is so ridiculous. THANKFULLY this is the end, but still those ugly stupid emotions loomÖ..

Now, I guess I press forward. Reinvent my identity and grow stronger and stronger. Try to drag myself out of the house to meet new people. I donít want to meet many people just one or two. This always proves difficult for an introvert. Also, in a town of less than 4,000 the options are very slim. No one is having forty year old babies! Not that I am forty but that seems about the age. Maybe thatís the problem, looking for older guys. Maybe there is a reason they are not married by 40 or 46. Hello? Maybe I should stick to thirty year old men who are still processing the concept of ďsettling downĒ. But do I even want to settle down? This whole stupid breakup makes me question such things. Maybe as I have always thought relationships are not for me. I guess I donít have to figure it out all tonight so I can still question my tactics. I bet being the hopeless romantic that I am that there will never be anyone who can ever fill this void. Is there even a void there? Maybe I am just sold on social expectations making me believe that itís abnormal to be single, that one has to be in love to feel alive. I think Iíll just stick to being in love with my cat for now.

As for being an INFP, coupled with every other facet possible of finding out who a person "is", I have found I can describe myself in five words: INFP, Seven, Cancer, Monkey, Melancholy. I found my reason for existence is to learn. Not to build, to make money or to help people but to seek out knowledge. I'm okay with that as it covers all aspects of life. I digress.
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 6:16 pm
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Jack



Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 678
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Maybe you should move, change jobs, go to school, etc. All can be very scary yet really rewarding adventures. Also, places where you spend a lot of your time is the easiest place to make friends haha.
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 6:23 pm
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INFP7



Joined: 02 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
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Jack wrote:
Maybe you should move, change jobs, go to school, etc. All can be very scary yet really rewarding adventures. Also, places where you spend a lot of your time is the easiest place to make friends haha.


I picked up a second job recently and am working 60 hours a week. Next week less as I also just started my last year of school full time. I have a daughter who is in her senior year so I can't move until spring. I got those bases covered. :)
Post Tue Sep 03, 2013 8:41 pm
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Limbs



Joined: 04 Feb 2011
Posts: 868
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Keep moving forward. Wherever your forward is, keep moving towards that. Sit and stew when you need to. But don't move backwards. And listen to Beck's Sea Change. Cry a lot. Good luck.
Post Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:42 am
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T-Wrex
p00ny tang


Joined: 30 Jun 2002
Posts: 6381
Location: Detroit, Michigan
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Instead of a dog, get a bicycle.



It's a good companion; and you don't need to groom it.

Post Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:41 am
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Plum Puddin'



Joined: 26 May 2008
Posts: 1793
Location: Snagglepussy.
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Instead of a bicycle, get a sniper rifle.

:D

It's a good companion, and you can get even with the world.

Post Thu Sep 05, 2013 11:55 pm
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Sage Francis
Self Fighteous


Joined: 30 Jun 2002
Posts: 21531
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haaaaahahaha

hah. Ahhh. nice.
Post Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:03 am
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